Unemployed Astronauts

For the last couple of days I’ve been trying to crack the intricate conundrum of why scientologists always smoke (bundles) of cheap cigarettes. When I think a lot about something, that something seems to pop up everywhere as if the amount of thoughts I steer towards it is exponentially linked with its numerical presence on this place we call earth. So — my dear reader — you can imagine how the world I’ve lived in for the last few days has been, filled to the brim with scientologists on every street corner smoking headache inducing Russian cigarettes — your next encounter with this tale may vary well contain John Travolta in the leading role. I am hoping to change the scenery for the forthcoming couple of days by sharing my answer for this knot of Gothic proportions.

If you are prone to crack under group pressure, easily persuadable and of somewhat questionable character, you may enjoy the occasional cigarette or two. If that is regrettably so — you undoubtedly have a favorite brand of cigarettes, you might even have a back-up favorite in case they ran out of your preferred tobacco. Now, if you’re a young teenage girl (which I render highly unlikely as you’d have to have read your way through an abundance of words to even get to this line), you most likely smoke something light and sassy, because your lungs aren’t as rugged as some of us old-timers. If you’re a classy lady or a womanly man, you may feel more comfortable with one of those thin long ones — if you smoke a grown-up cigarette after having put your lips around one of those it feels like a big white cigar, I personally try to steer clear of those. And if you’re a real cowboy — like me — chances are your favorite poison is a strong cigarette, such as Lucky Strike or Galloise. Now that we’ve got that in place, I believe it’s time to pull the curtain up on why scientologists — besides navyblue pants with knife edge creases, pulled up so high they have to grab their wallet over their shoulders — prefer cheap cigarettes. When you choose a brand of cigarettes, that choice says something about you — besides revealing you’re a weakling, especially if you smoke menthol aided — and most likely you’ll smoke something that fits into the image you wish to convey of yourself. Scientologists are schooled in an orthodox belief in authority, they all wear the same uniforms, read the same riveting science fiction shocker and generally act in the belief that they’re serving a higher collective power — something more important than themselves. If the image you’re reflecting isn’t important, you might as well smoke the cheapest cigarettes, and so they do — and I honestly can’t blame them, because I’d have to smoke much worse stuff if I was a scientologist.

For some interesting thoughts on the future of cigarette branding under the increased crackdown — including making them look more dangerous — visit Pentagram.